Oh those conspiracy theories!
So the Super Bowl is over, fading in the rearview mirror as spring approaches. The Chiefs won, Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift are still a couple and the world is still turning. This isn’t necessarily what you would have expected if you are a fan of rightwing media in the US.
Oh you expected the Chiefs to win all right. Not a bad guess considering, you know, Patrick Mahomes. You just expected the world to stop turning as the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce psyops plan you heard about on social media exploded the US presidential race and proved what you knew all along. I will explain what you knew all along further down in this post. But first, let’s just recap the basics about that oh-so-famous couple Travis and Taylor.
They seem to like each other. They go to each other’s various events and engage in high-profile outings and PDAs and have a great time with each other. They are both probably single-handedly exploding the world’s carbon emissions with all the travel they do. They are living their best lives. They’re not teenagers but they’re not old either. They are both rich as fuck. They’ve got it going on.
This will probably not last. Passion this hot rarely does. Taylor has a history of high-profile romances that end pretty quickly. Sooner or later (sooner some people hope I’m sure) they will fade from view. The media will stop wanting to cover their every celebratory embrace because there won’t be that many public celebratory embraces after awhile. But for the moment, the media will follow them around. Because they emote. Big exaggerated displays of emotion for each other and that’s entertaining.
Me personally, I don’t care very much about Taylor Swift. I don’t care very much about Travis Kelce either. I don’t have anything against either of them. They can live their lives and I can remain blissfully unaware of either of them and that would suit me just fine.
But we’ve got to talk about those right-wing conspiracy theories. And dads. Because the two are linked in a strange way that helps explain (in a strange way) some of the awful fucking weirdness of these times. And what those conspiracy theorists ought to do about it but are afraid to.
Hold on now or bail because we’re about to get crude.
So the basic idea of the right-wing conspiracy theorists about Taylor Swift is that she is one motherfucking powerful woman who does things on her own terms (she is good at that) and that makes her a threat. To the right wing of American politics.
Because the right wing of American politics is made up entirely of people who perceive themselves as not powerful at all. Who do not do things on their own terms. They may not even have terms. They may not even have figured out what doing things on their own terms would look like. Because they haven’t been doing things on their own terms since like forever. I will explain what this has to do with dads in a bit.
In their minds, Taylor Swift is so powerful and so aligned with powerful forces that she can get a Super Bowl game rigged for her boyfriend. Cuz the NFL you know, jumps to Taylor Swift’s tune because it doesn’t have any power of its own. Sitting on all that goddamn money and still it just has to do what Taylor Swift wants cuz, you know, it’s her boyfriend and everything. Don’t want to mess with that.
And all this rigging is in the service of Democrat propaganda. Because you know the Democrats are so powerful and so invested in the NFL (all its owners are Democrats don’t you know? All greedy billionaires are, ain’t that the truth? Not.)
Because Taylor Swift and her vaccine-loving boyfriend (neither of whom appear to absolutely fucking hate gay people, which is a troubling sign don’t you know) were gonna take over halftime from Usher to endorse Joe Biden because that’s what always happens at Super Bowl halftimes.
And all of this is engineered by the Pentagon which has every reason to you know to do a psyop in favor of Joe Biden because…. Um because… Because… Oh yeah because even the Pentagon can figure out that the Republican frontrunner, Donald Trump, is a dangerous asswipe? Who will destroy the country and its armed forces given his well-known disdain for honor and bravery? Yeah that must be it. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Those right-wing pundits must be on to something if they reckon that even the Pentagon can figure out what a dumb-ass their preferred candidate is.
A vital clue to Taylor Swift’s perfidy? She encourages people to register to vote. And we all know how completely fucking dangerous it is in a democracy when people vote. There is always the horrific chance that they will vote against a dangerous asswipe dumb-ass. And we can’t have that happen.
Which seems like a strange worry for the right-wing to have given how popular their preferred wanna-be dictator seems to be with a certain segment of the population, not to mention the ongoing breathless lame-stream media attention he gets. But the right-wing is terrified of voting, since it does pose a minor inconvenience to some tyrants.
Of course the things the conspiracy theorists said would happen didn’t. That’s partially because the things conspiracy theorists say are going to happen never ever do. But that doesn’t change things with their audience, because their audience has a different problem. So here we go.
LISTEN UP YOU TAYLOR-SWIFT HATING MOTHERFUCKERS! LISTEN UP!
Taylor Swift is not your problem. Neither is Travis Kelce. Or even the NFL. Or the Democrats. You have an entirely different problem.
Your problem is that your dad was a dick.
The honor roll of right-wing smash mouths whose dads were certifiable dicks is impressive. Donald Trump. Roger Ailes. Sean Hannity. Larry Elder. Elon Musk. Laura Ingraham. Rudy Giuliani.
Now I don’t want to say that all right-wing blowhards had dicks for dads. God no. There are many reasons for the rise in far right media in the last few decades and most of them don’t have to do with dick dads. After all, there have dicks for dads since time began. And most people who have dick dads don’t turn into highly paid raving lunatics.
Among the factors that have driven the rise in right-wing fringe sites are historical cycles, the monetization of lying (thank you social media!), opportunists, declining economic conditions for large swathes of the American public, and a political system that is not working very well. Not mention we have the conservatism of the Democrats and Hillary Clinton to thank for Donald Trump, since the Democrats have stubbornly refused to put forth any sort of viable alternative to the system that has created those declining economic opportunities for so many Americans.
Some of the right-wing fringe pundits are committing crimes of true passion, but most are committing financial crimes. The internet has facilitated a gold rush for operatives willing to tell outrageous lies for cash and some of them are very very good at it – and getting paid handsomely for their troubles.
But it’s not the people monetizing Taylor Swift for outrage that hate her. It’s the suckers who fund the rightwing media types, the audience, the consumers. And those are the people with the dick dad problem.
Here’s the deal. Lots of us have dicks for dads. There are lots of reasons why dads become dicks and dicks become dads. So it is not having a dick for a dad that’s the key factor here. It’s how a person reacts to that kind of life circumstance.
Some people say ‘yeah my dad was a dick, I’m not gonna go that route.’ And other people say ‘I want my dad to love and approve of me, so since he is a dick, I will just lick that dick for the rest of my life. I’m always trying to prove myself, always trying to be tough enough, trying to be a dick just like him because he has all the power and I don’t have any, so I will just cave and decide that his dick way of living is the way it’s got to be, should be. Dicks always win and I need the protection of a dick and crave the praise of a dick. And I’m gonna stay a powerless victim for the rest of my fucking life. Cuz I will never stand up to my dick dad or anything he stands for.’ And so on.
To put it another way – the consumers of right-wing media outrage contain a startlingly high number of powerless dicks, forever victims, forever apologists for the dicks that made them victims in the first place. People who are currently and have always been afraid to fight against the dicks that run their lives. Gutless cowards who never win.
Of course these people are cynical. Of course they think the worst of people in power. Of course they think the worst of people in general. Of course they think the worst about themselves. Of course they hate all other groups. They’ve seen all the reasons to be cynical up close, and most importantly they have seen that they don’t win against the various forces arrayed against them. They are permanently vulnerable and they don’t like it.
They think everyone else is out for themselves and no one else because that’s what they’ve seen. They think that’s how the world works and should work because they never escaped the world that worked that way for them. They think you just have to suck it up and accept it and run scurrying under the coat of some alpha person for protection because they don’t see any other alternative. And they hate that other people don’t just suck it up. They hate that.
Because they do and they always have, and they don’t just suck, they swallow. Everyone who doesn’t suck it up reminds them that they do suck. And swallow. It all reminds them of their own weakness.
And their own desire for the world to be different. For their lives to be different. For their own selves to be different. It reminds them that they can’t rise so they want other people to be torn down.
No wonder they suck up to Putin. (Tucker – you nancy boy you, fess up). Not only does he have a big dick to lick, he’s a prime example of the crushing power they have experienced in their own lives and both admire and fear.
Fear is a cozy emotion for them. So cozy that they’re willing to be scared of Taylor Swift.
Think about that for a second. Red-blooded American pundits shaking in their boots because Taylor Swift is on TV. Oh my god, I’m so scared. I’m so scared for America because Taylor Swift has a football player boyfriend and she’s on TV.
You almost can’t advertise your own powerlessness more powerfully than that.
But these folks have been advertising their dick-licking sense of powerlessness for so long that it’s old hat. They’ve been screaming into the void. Nobody pays attention to them. Nobody does anything for them.
They just get grifted and conned and lied to by the people they turn to for protection. The ones who keep emphasizing to them how powerless they are. Who tell them to be scared of a sequined dress and a couple of over-enthusiastic post-game or post-concert hugs.
These people with the dick dad problem are in an abusive relationship with the people whose media they consume. If someone tells you you are are worthless and powerless often enough, you’re going to believe it eventually. And if someone tells you often enough that no one else in society (in the whole wide world) will love them as much as you do, then you’re going to end up scared of society and dependent on your abuser.
And these right-wing media abusers are just going to keep stealing everything and everyone from these people. Because they can. Because they’re easy marks. Because they are poverty-stricken in so many ways.
People don’t rob the banks because that’s where the money is. They rob the poor because that’s who is easy to rob. In this case, the marks may be emotionally poor, spiritually poor, economically poor, socially poor, or whatever type of other poverty you can think of. But they’re poor.
And the fraud of indirection (look, it’s Taylor Swift, pay no attention to my hand in your wallet) is so rampant these days that the true swamp of theft by the right wing from the right wing seems like it will never be drained.
But it will be one day. More or less. Not completely. But sooner or later and let’s hope sooner, people will react against the excesses of their own kind. The gravy train will slow. The gold rush will lose its luster.
It took way to long for people to get sick of the delusions of globalism and the never-ending economic opportunity it supposedly represented but eventually they did. It’s taken way too long already for right-wing marks with dick dads to get sick of being played for fools. But eventually they will.
In the meantime, here’s an inspirational video that tells you what you should have done with your dick dad first started being a dick to you. And if you couldn’t do it then (reasonable if you couldn’t), then you should be doing it now. Not to Taylor Swift, who has never done a damn thing to you. Nope, to your dick dad and all he represents:
Your firearms cannot save you from yourself. You did this to yourself. Stop it!
Taylor Swift did not prove that you were powerless and the system is rigged. You proved to yourself that the system is rigged by refusing to live with honor in the first place.
And now you’ve been betrayed. The people feeding you those conspiracy theories are backstabbing liars. Get rid of them! They’re traitors. Throw off their shackles.
Come on! Get up! Get.Pretty.Fed.Up.
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