How to Stop Thinking About People Thinking About You

Reading Time: 12 minutes

Surprising Techniques that Work!

If you want a sure-fire recipe for anxiety, dwell for a few moments on all the things that people could think about you and very well might. They’ve noticed your thinning hair and are secretly laughing at what they rightly perceive to be a lame attempt at a comb-over. They have noticed that you smile too often when you’re nervous and look a fool. They just listened to you babble on about a topic you know nothing about because you could not force yourself to stop talking. They remember your slight error of fact in last week’s work presentation and it has reinforced their perception that you are just guaranteed to be wrong. And so on.

This is exactly the kind of thinking that can spontaneously arise at 3 a.m. when you’d rather be sleeping. Such thoughts can also spontaneously arise right before you are about to talk in front of a group of people, leading you to take so many deep breaths that people nearby are concerned you might be hyperventilating.

These are the kinds of thoughts that can follow you around randomly while you’re trying to work so that you have to put in headphones and listen to some really loud rap music to drown them out. They’re the type of thoughts that can make you want to escape them.

So let’s learn how to keep those excruciating thoughts at bay. We’ll start with our first surprising technique:

LIKE OTHER PEOPLE IF AT ALL POSSIBLE

If you have any choice between liking someone and not – go for liking them. That may seem like a strange way to reduce the anxiety that comes from thinking about how other people think about you, but…

Your brain is naturally set up to assume that how you do things is how other people do them. It’s often very wrong about this, and humans make a lot of errors as a result of this default setting of the brain. But you can use this default setting to your advantage. If you think positively about other people, your brain will naturally assume that other people do the same thing – that they think positively about you.

If you’re not used to liking other people as a matter of course, try practicing. Just say to yourself, or out loud to someone else, “I kind of like [name of person]’ every time you meet someone new. Incorporate a practice of telling yourself that you like someone at least once a week, then once a day. Just get used to the idea that you usually like people. Your feelings of social anxiety and fear of being judged will go waaaaay down. You may not notice it at first, but once you do notice, you’ll be amazed at the improvement.

SPEAK POSITIVELY ABOUT OTHERS AND THEIR ACCOMPLISHMENTS

If you have a normal human brain, there will be a part of it that will want to think things about yourself and others that are pretty negative: “His sales figures are low! I bet they’re going to lay him off!” “I look so fat in this dress. I never should have worn it today.” And on and on and on.

Your brain just alertly notices things that are wrong or not up to standard or that could cause problems, etc., and it points them out. That’s just part of what brains do. They point out things that deviate from norms or ideals on the theory that these deviations could spell trouble. Your brain spend its time thinking about a steady diet of bad news or potentially bad news.

Fine. Fine and dandy. That’s a part of life. But…..some brains forget to look at the other side of the coin. Things that are great!

Things that are great a real part of life just as much as things that aren’t so great. Your life will get better if your brain starts thinking about these things too! If it doesn’t, it will give you a distorted view of life.

So learn how to say things to others like “The product launch seems like it’s going really well!” “You did a great job on that!” “Whoah, I am lifting the heavier weights now! Go me!”

When you teach yourself to say positive things about other people – out loud – you teach your brain that it’s socially appropriate to be positive.

This is a big deal.

If your brain thinks it’s socially appropriate to be positive about other people, it will start thinking that it’s socially appropriate for other people to be positive about you.

This is sort of like the ‘like other people’ idea. But it goes a bit farther.

Your brain is designed to place a lot of emphasis on social norms. If you teach it that a social norm is to be positive, then it will start to look askance at people who aren’t positive. And the result of that is that if your brain thinks someone is speaking negatively of you – then it will downgrade that person and think less of them. You’ll automatically start caring less about people who criticize you!

You’re a good, socially appropriate person, your brain will think. And you don’t go around criticizing people. No, you’re positive. So there’s definitely something wrong that person who is criticizing you. Probably not a good, socially appropriate person. Maybe just jealous or something.

In this way again, you’re taking advantage of, or ‘hacking’ your brain’s natural tendencies. Of course, you may not have been raised in an environment where being positive about others was the norm. Or you may not be in that kind of environment right now. Maybe you seem to be around a lot of people who criticize others.

The deal is – if you are used to negative talk – you will find people to engage in it. If you’re pretty damn positive in your assessments of others, the negative people will drift away from you and you’ll find positive people are drawn to you.

So make it a practice to say something positive about someone else at least once a day. And watch your anxiety go way down as your worries about what other people will think recede.

GIVE YOURSELF AN EXCUSE

I learned this one when I was young. I had been down in the dumps and beating myself up for something I did that people could criticize me for and that I criticized myself for. One day I burst out with this exclamation: “I was in a room full of people yelling when I made that decision. How can anyone expect me to make a good decision when I can hardly hear myself think!”

My friend and co-worker beamed at me when I had that little outburst. “Finally!” she said. “Sometimes you just have to find an excuse.”

Boy was she right. Sometimes you just have to find an excuse. Yes, you’ve got a muffin top and it’s now embarrassing to you to think how you look in those jeans you wore to the school fair. What were you thinking!!??!! All the other parents saw you!

It’s time for Excuse Man to run in to the rescue! You were literally stuck at home with the kids for 2 years during the pandemic. Of course you’re not as fit as you were 5 years ago. Jeez, who could expect you to be.

What good does an excuse like this do? It gives you a way to explain to other people your deviation from whatever norm or ideal you think you violated. “Oh God, I know I look hideous in those jeans. It’s that staying home with the kids really did a number on me. I’ve got to start hitting the gym for sure.”

You’re not going to start hitting the gym. You’ve still got young kids. Getting fit would take time and effort you’re not really willing to expend right now. But that excuse really takes the sting out of the judgment you’re imagining.

People use excuses all the times to soften the blow of screwing something up. They use excuses for a reason. Nobody’s perfect. Sometimes you really need an excuse. Next time you wake yourself up in the middle of the night replaying your errors, think of a really good excuse. You’ll feel a lot better!

DON’T BERATE YOURSELF FOR THINKING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

Of course you care what other people think. You’re a human being. For all of human history, people have had to live with other people. If they don’t like you, they can make your life really really really miserable. In the early days of humanity, they could also kick you out of the group and leave you to freeze to death or starve or whatever.

And they can still kick you out. If you don’t believe me, just think of the words ‘cancel culture.’ Just look at the world around you. People can be really mean to each other. Of course you don’t want to look bad in front of them. You especially don’t want to look bad in front of them if you have to deal with them every day. And of course you want the people you love to think well of you. You love them! You want your love to penetrate their hearts with goodness and for them to love you back.

So you’re going to think about what other people think of you from time to time. Further, embarrassment is hands down one of the most painful emotions. And shame, the feeling of being truly unworthy or defective in a social sense, is such a bad feeling that people have been known to kill themselves over it.

Therefore, your mind is going to surface thoughts and worries about what other people think of you. The key is to treat those thoughts and worries the way meditators are trained to treat all thoughts and worries – as passing clouds in a blue sky. Because truly, that’s what they are.

The fact that you’re torturing yourself rather than going to sleep means nothing. Nothing. Your brain is doing its job, a mental review of potential worries. Does not mean a single thing about the outside world.

Does not mean that anyone has ever had the negative thoughts about you that you’re squeezing yourself with. Doesn’t mean that if they did have those negative thoughts that they’ll have any influence on their behavior toward you. Doesn’t mean that anything you are thinking or worrying about is true or of any importance at all.

People have a tendency to think that their thoughts are important.

They’re not. They’re just thoughts. The fact that you’re having them is not important. Your brain is just humming along in the background of your life, patrolling for danger, considering possibilities, exercising imagination.

If there’s something you can do about whatever you’re thinking someone thought about you, consider whether or not you want to do that thing. Should you apologize for saying something hurtful? Or are you making a big deal out of nothing? Should you change your hairstyle to avoid the comb-over impression, or is that silly?

If there’s something you can do and you want to do it – then do it. If there’s nothing you can do about that time you spit milk through your braces on the guy you had a crush on in 7th grade – then let the thought pass gently through the movie screen of your mind.

Just because you have an anxiety does not mean you need to dwell on it.

You’re not making yourself safer by obsessing on what other people could find fault with. So obsess about something else. Like your list of positive things you can say about other people.

STRETCH YOUR BOUNDARIES

If you’re really inhibited by fearing what other people think about you, then it is time to do some stretching.

Stretching is painful. I acknowledge that. But it feels good after you’ve done it. So, time to do some social stretching.

You are scheduled to speak at a staff meeting with 50 people and you are thinking of bailing because the thought is giving you an anxiety attack and you are pretty sure people are going to think you are a nerd. Or stupid. Or possibly a stupid nerd.

Here’s the thing. Don’t bail. Keep your speaking short, planned, and as painless as possible. Notice how great you feel after you are done. You do not have to dread it any more! Reward yourself with a donut. Let yourself feel full relief.

The key to making this stretching exercise work is that you have to feel the relief afterwards. After you stretch – relax – you did it! And don’t stretch yourself too hard. Just stretch yourself enough to feel the release when you’re done. The magic is in the feeling of relief.

Take Small Steps if You Need To

So whatever you are worried about – let yourself worry – take baby steps and then get a big reward for completing the step. Ashamed of your body in a bathing suit? Go somewhere where everyone is not a supermodel (most places in most parts of the world) and be in a bathing suit with other people who do not look as though they were born to be on the cover of Vogue in their bathing suits. Get all nervous and then relax! That was fine. It was even fun.

Do something that requires a little courage and then give yourself major props for your courage! If you do this gently and consistently (like regular stretching), your capacity to tolerate potential embarrassment will go up. You’ll eventually be able to raise your hand in a Zoom meeting of 200, say something not awfully bright, and survive. Even have people seek you out afterwards to comment on the things you said that didn’t fall into the ‘not awfully bright’ category. To express admiration that you opened yourself up.

You can do it! But like stretching, do it gently and consistently.

WALK BACK YOUR JUDGMENTS OF OTHER PEOPLE

People make judgements about others for lots of reasons, one of which is to allay anxiety. But judging others often creates more anxiety in the long run. Give other people a break.

You’re probably not going to do this right at first. It feels relieving to criticize others for not being what you want them to be or what you think they should be. So go ahead and do that. Let your irritated or anxious judge-flag fly.

And then walk it back.

Let’s say you really really really want to judge a celebrity who’s been accused of something. I feel ya. I want to judge that celebrity too. Judge away.

And then walk it back. Maybe you don’t know the full story. Maybe there are extenuating circumstances. Maybe the person has done the things they’ve been accused of but perhaps you don’t need to invest so much emotion in thinking about it. Detach yourself from your judgements.

When you notice yourself judging others – walk it back. When you hear yourself judging yourself – walk it back. Disinvest in your judgements.

If you do this, if you teach yourself to let go of your fierce hold on all your judgments, you will stop believing that are you are the type of person who needs to be judged by others.

The universe loves balance. As you judge, so will you be judged. Your mind will fight to make that true, even if you try to repress it. Let go of judging so much, and you will stop fearing others’ judgements so much. And that, my friend, will feel like losing 50 extra pounds – you will feel as though you are carrying so much less to weigh you down.

And, finally, perhaps the most important technique of all:

REALIZE THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IS THINKING ABOUT YOU AS MUCH AS YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT YOU

It’s deeply disappointing. And sometimes our parents try to convince us that it is not true. But, in reality, you are the center of no one’s universe but your own.

Nope, in good times and bad, no one cares about your mascara as much as you do. Oh if someone comments on it, you might be under the impression that they actually care about your mascara and that you got a new brand that really makes your eyes pop.

Alas, they don’t. They care about themselves and whether or not you think their mascara looks good.

I mean, we try. We do care for each other. We do love each other. We do think about each other.

But no one thinks about you as much as you do. Your mascara is giant in your life, like you were seeing it in IMAX. Your mascara is tiny in their lives, like they were seeing it on an iPhone from 7 years ago.

The things that people say and think, including about you, are things they say and think to help themselves survive and get through this life. It’s about them. It’s not about you. Well, sometimes it’s a little bit about you. In certain situations it may be almost half about you.

But the other half is about them.

They’re doing an intervention to try to get you to go to rehab? Yes, the fact that you’re an alcoholic is about you. But the fact that they’re doing an intervention is about them. It’s about their suffering and concern and worries and bewilderment and shame and anger and so on.

People Think of Themselves First – and You Second

If you just remember this one thing – that people think of themselves first and you second, your thoughts about what other people think about you will fade.

Because you’ll realize they’re not. They’re not thinking about you. They’re not thinking about how your jeans fit. Any thoughts they have about how your jeans fit are passing clouds swallowed up in their timeline by the great electrical storm that is obsessing over why their hair FRIZZES the way it does.

And certainly, for the random people in your life whose criticism and judgements you’re thinking about in a not so happy way – remember that they do not care about you. The number of people in the world who actually care about you is kind of small. And you are one of the main ones.

So concentrate on being a decent person so that the person who thinks the most about you (you) thinks you’re a decent person. And stop worrying about the others.

Finally,

YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS TO BE THINKING ABOUT

Think about that book you just read. Wait, you didn’t just read a book? Well, read one. And then talk about it with someone. That someone will spend a lot less time mentally mocking your outfit and more time wondering about what you said about the book you just read.

Get the Tao Te Ching by Lao-Tzu and then tell me what it said. I’ve heard it’s a really important book and I’ve never read it.

And so on. Listen to music you like and think about how good it is.

Think about how much this blog post helped your life. And say something positive about it!

And never again have to worry about thinking too much about other people thinking about you.

Tags: brain