How to Avoid Burnout

Reading Time: 12 minutes

Four not-so-simple steps to prevent burnout.

Burnout. I’ve experienced it. Which makes me part of a very large club. More than a quarter of employees surveyed in the US report experiencing burnout at any given time. The rate is higher in the healthcare professions. Doctors are burned out! Parents are burned out! Caregivers are burned out!

People are burned out.

So what causes burnout?

Oh, lots of things. But one of the main things that causes burnout is that just when you pull yourself off the mat of difficulty, something throws you back down again. Someone makes unreasonable demands on you at work, yells at you, doesn’t recognize what you do, and doesn’t respect you. Fine, you deal with it, you cope, you use your strategies, you practice mindfulness or whatever the heck they tell you to do. But then it happens again. And again. Frequently. Intermittently. Unpredictably. As though if you could just get through this one bad incident, things would go back to ‘normal’, with reasonable demands. You have hope. You can get it under control.

But then things don’t every really go back to normal. You keep thinking they will, but they won’t. The unreasonable demands keep happening. You don’t even know what they’re going to be or where they’re going to come from. That’s burnout.

It’s not just the stress of unreasonable demands, it’s the not realizing, consciously or unconsciously, that things are not going to get better or back to ‘normal’. It’s burnout because it creeps up on you because you keep thinking the demands and the hostility are going to subside. So you keep coping. Until you literally can’t anymore. Things aren’t changing and you can’t live like this anymore.

Time management won’t cure burnout. Taking a break won’t cure burnout. Because the burnout itself comes in the not recognizing – by you and by others – that you can’t keep doing what you’re doing any more. Shit has got to change.

So here are some not to simple steps to make shit change, so that you avoid burnout, fix burnout, or tell burnout and everything that causes it to go to hell.

Step 1: Stop Being Responsible

Yeah, you responsible types (I’m one, I admit it) are more prone to burnout than your irresponsible, party-loving brethren. Which means – I know this is hard – you’ve got to stop being responsible.

You are not responsible for everything that happens in your work.

You don’t believe me, do you? You think you are responsible. If you’re a doctor, you’re sure you’re responsible.

But you’re not. Any work (well, almost any work) is full of shared responsibilities. You’re not the all-mighty ruler of the world. Someone asked you to do what you’re doing. Whoever that person is, is also partly responsible. Your patients are partly responsible if you’re a healthcare worker. Your customers, your clients, your bosses, your organizations, the hospital, the other workers, etc.

You are not solely responsible for everything related to you. You’re just not.

You may think you are. You may want to be. But you’re not. Which means – you need to develop confidence in others (hah, that’s not so simple for those of you with suspicion issues). You need to let other people step up to the plate. You need to let other people worry about some things. You need to stop thinking that if you worry 24/7 that you’ll control the outcome.

And you need to stop internalizing the blame for anything that goes wrong.

That’s a tough one. If you’re the one getting yelled at, or feeling like you’re getting yelled at, well it doesn’t matter if you’re not solely responsible, you’re the one facing negative consequences – right?

Have some self-respect. That’s a tough one too. But if you’re swallowing all the blame, internal and/or external, then you’re gonna need to push back. That’s not making excuses. It’s being fair. When the boss said ‘You should have….’, you’re gonna need to reply with what you did and an outline of who is responsible for what.

When you say to yourself ‘You should have…’, then you’re going to need to tell your inner blamer to shut the fuck up. There is no ‘you should have’. There’s what you did. There’s what you can do. If you want to do something differently, next time, fine. That’s learning. Or adjusting in response to feedback. It’s not ‘you should have.’

Banish ‘you should have’ from your vocabulary. (I told you it wasn’t simple.) Some people rely on ‘you should have’ as a self-soothing mechanism, indulging in the fantasy that if only they had done what they ‘should have’ then nothing would ever go wrong. They use ‘you should have’ to get themselves off the hook — what went wrong doesn’t count now that they know what they should have done.

But of course, the ‘you should haves’ that bosses and perfectionistic people rely are often impossible to implement in the real world. How could you have known that you ‘should have’ told the caterer 6 times instead of 5 that a vegan option needs to be included? ‘Should haves’ are often that ridiculous.

Giving up ‘you should have’ is not simple, because it makes the user feel better while they’re using it. But it doesn’t help you avoid burnout. It just sets you up for long-term physical breakdown and/or hating your job.

You’re not responsible for everything that happens in your family.

I know you don’t believe me. Particularly if you’re a mom. You absolutely know that you’re responsible for everything that happens in your family, and everyone else is going to hold you responsible too.

You’re not. Your partner (if you have one), your kids (if you have them), your parents (if you have them), your siblings (if you have them) and everyone else – they’re responsible for themselves too. (Not my infant, you say!) Yes, even your infant – it’s not your fault your infant has trouble sleeping, or colic, or has difficult latching on to the breast. Some individuals, even infants, have trouble with things. You are not responsible for that.

I know, I know, I know this is hard. I’m not asking you to go all the way to irresponsible. I’m just saying to drop the ‘everything’ from ‘responsible for everything’. Learn to set limits on what you are responsible for. Become responsible for what you do, not for every outcome.

You are not responsible for everything that happens to person you’re caring for as a caregiver.

They have mental health issues. They have cancer. They’re really old. They have dementia. You are not responsible for these things.

Yeah, you say, but it’s a life or death issue. It’s on me to prevent suffering, take care of their every need. I am responsible!

Look, I was a caregiver for someone with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease). I didn’t burn out. And part of the reason I didn’t burn out was because I did not hold myself responsible for the ravages, discomforts, and inconveniences, and terrors of the disease. I didn’t stop being comfortable myself because my loved one wasn’t.

It’s counter-intuitive. It’s not simple. But you gotta let go of the ‘responsible for everything’ attitude.

Step 2: Keep Your To-Do List Short or You Will Get Fed Up

No more than 7 things on it.

What? 7 things? At one time, I had over 100 items on my to-do list. Yeah, I got burned out.

Working parents sometimes feel that they have 100 non-negotiable items on their plate, every day.

Well, if your personal to-do list has more than 7 things on it, you’re not crazy. Of course, we all (most of us) do more than 7 things a day.

But… 7 things is enough to put on a to-do list for any given day. Any more, and your brain will rebel. It will say ‘too much! you have too much to do!’ Your brain will get fed up with you. And your life.

Limiting yourself to 7 things will force you to prioritize. Prioritizing will force you to admit that you don’t really care about that 7 am meeting, that your kid’s soccer game is more important.

Keeping your list to 7 things will prevent you from working til 10 pm to get everything on your list done. (I definitely used to do that.)

But…people ask you to do way more than 7 things. If you only put 7 things on your to-do list, you will get so behind, you will never catch up!

I’m gonna be real with you. You’re never gonna catch up no matter what you do. That’s what burnout is. It’s a bodily realization that you’re never gonna catch up no matter what you do. The more you do – the more will be asked of you.

If you make a habit of working til 10 to ‘catch up’ on your to-do list, your to-do list is too long. If you make a habit of making an extra batch of cookies for your kid’s PTA thingybob tomorrow at midnight, you’re doing too much. If you’re burning the candle at both ends so that Christmas cards will get sent out on time, even though the person with dementia you’re caring for wandered into traffic at 5 a.m. this morning – you’re putting too much pressure on yourself.

Stop it.

I’m not saying it will be easy or simple. I’m just saying stop it. Cut your daily to-do list down to 7 items. And no, I don’t mean 7 items including brushing your teeth and feeding the cat. I mean 7 things max that you have to pay attention to. Pare back those meetings, those obligations, those after-school activities, whatever it takes.

Anything more than the 7 things – sorry, no thanks, what a bummer, but you can’t do it.

Step 3: Do Things the Easy Way

Not the right way.

Aaarrgghh! I hear some of you saying. Your inner selves rebel hard when something isn’t done the ‘right’ way. If your partner doesn’t wash the dishes or load the dishwasher the right way – you do it over again for them. Because it needs to be done the right way. The laundry needs to be done the right way. You need to commute to work the right way. Your kid has to go to the right school. Your spreadsheets have to be done the right way. Everybody has to do everything the right way!

According to you.

Your attachment to the right way makes you a pain in the ass to work for, and nobody knows that better than you, because you’re riding yourself all the time.

I can relate. Even thinking about giving up my attachment to the right way kinda hurts. I’ve done it, but it kinda hurts.

Yeah, it’s not simple to give up something you love as much as you love the ‘right’ way of doing things, but the right way of doing things leads to burnout.

Lower your standards.

But, but, but…

It can be part of your identity to do things well, and doing things easily or sloppily or ‘just good enough’ or ‘just getting by’ can maybe make you feel like you’re not really worth anything.

But our goal here is to avoid burnout, and if you were already doing everything right to avoid burnout, you wouldn’t be reading this (probably).

So let’s start small. Lower your standards on something relatively unimportant (but EVERYTHING is important, I hear you say), and get in a little easy gentle practice. Maaaaaybe, it’s okay if your partner loads the dishwasher wrong (loads the dishwasher wrong! NOOOOOOOOO!).

Let the house be dirtier, the kids’ lives be less scheduled, the networking events less attended, the PowerPoints have less flashy graphics, you get the idea.

And then…because you are really dangerously close to burnout, and you really need to know how to back away from the ledge…try looking at things and asking yourself ‘how can I make this easier?’

Your commute. Your morning routine. Showering. Brushing your teeth (electric toothbrushes are seriously great). Breakfast. The kids’ clothes. Buying shoes. Doing spreadsheets. Running meetings. Doing reports. Answering (or not answering) your email. Keeping up with the news. Watching TV. Exercising. Expressing love to your mate. Travel. Sleeping. Sex.

Look at anything and everything you can, and ask yourself how to make it easier. Your new life goal is to make things easy on yourself. Give yourself massive points every time you figure out and implement an easier way to do something. Double bonus points for eliminating something.

How can you keep people off your back in the easiest, simplest way possible? That’s the question you want the answer to. Stop impressing people with your extra effort and start earning their envy by doing things more easily.

And then…just to rub salt into the wounds of people doing things the hard way – promote yourself to your boss, the neighborhood moms, social media, your spouse, your kids, your parents, and random strangers by exclaiming how easy you’ve made this, that, or the other. ‘I never bake a homemade cake anymore, such and such bakery has such great ones and it’s sooooo easy to just pick one up!’

‘I’ve eliminated 7 hours a week in busy work by blah, blah, blah – it’s easier for everyone.’ ‘I’ve stopped going to the [stupid] check-in meetings any more, saves a ton of time and great for my mental health!’ And so on. Brag!

I mean, try not to be obnoxious about it – but brag. Slowly give yourself a reputation as someone who actively seeks to lighten the load, work smarter not harder, lessen the burden on yourself and everyone else. You may just suddenly be way more appreciated and popular than you realized you could be.

Keep your high standards for the things you really want high standards for. Stop fretting about the rest.

Step 4: Failure is an Option

Perfectionists and people who look at failure as, well, a failure, are more prone to burnout.

Failure is an option.

Failure happens all the time. Even if you don’t want to acknowledge it.

Things can go wrong. Sometimes they do. You can fuck up. Sometimes you do. Goals can be unmet. Often they are. Objectives can remain unachieved. Happens all the time.

People can get upset. And you know they will from time to time, no matter what you do.

Look, you will let people down from time to time. This will not feel great. People will let you down. Your kids will not do everything you want. The love of your life won’t either. Your boss will be an idiot, your parents won’t understand, your friends will get snippy, and the world at large will seem like one giant cesspool of scary monsters.

You do not have to devote your life or your efforts to making sure none of these things happen.

Because they will.

No matter what you do.

Racing on the treadmill at ever higher speeds will not prevent the occasional disaster from unfolding. It will not earn you the recognition you deserve and crave. It will not make people want to help you off the treadmill.

Racing on the treadmill of failure avoidance will just make you very very tired of the treadmill, and eventually you will fall off.

Sure, you want everyone to like you. Not everyone does as much as you would like or have earned.

Sure, you want everyone to appreciate, recognize, and respect you. Some people won’t.

You can’t earn admiration from everyone by burning yourself out. I can think of some very prominent people I know of, who prided themselves on their work ethic and outworking, out-efforting, out-shining, and out-making-themselves-popular-and-well-liked everyone and anyone they ran across.

What happened (after years of success)? They burned out. They flamed out. The skeletons came out of the closet. People turned on them.

Even though you are undoubtedly right about everything and truly a superior human being, you will fail.

It’s okay. Everyone does.

Let yourself fail. Let your kids fail, your spouse fail, your neighbors, your dog, and your parents fail.

Let yourself hear you tell yourself ‘I tried; I just couldn’t do it.’ Or ‘I just can’t do that right now. I’m at my limit.’ Or ‘I don’t know everything. Someone else can do that.’ Or ‘I seem to be unable to figure this out – can you help me?’ Or ‘It’s too much.’ Or ‘It was just too much; I took too much on and couldn’t handle it.’ Or ‘I’m cutting back; I’m just not handling everything I signed up to do.’

Or whatever. Not doing things is an option.

Doing a lousy job is an option. Failing is an option. Making mistakes is an option. Getting yelled at is an option. Fucking things up is an option. Throwing in the towel is an option. Bowing out is an option. Admitting defeat is an option. Asking for help is an option. Getting bailed out is an option. Getting rescued is an option.

You need to know that.

The reason you need to know that is because if you think failure is not an option – your whole internal system will spend your entire life in a panic. There will be something always looming over your head. There will be something unavoidable that you have to avoid. You will have endless anxiety to manage. You will back yourself into corners.

And you will also put up with things you don’t have to put up with for waaaaay too long.

Maybe the expectations at your current job are just unreasonable. But if you can’t fail – you’ll have to keep trying to meet them.

Maybe some people in your life are just not your friends, supporters, or allies. But if you can’t fail, you’ll just have to keep courting them, in an endless futile bid to win their approval.

Maybe your spouse has no intention of ever contributing to the household in a positive way. But if you can’t fail, you’ll hang on long past the time it’s damaged you, your kids, and your life.

If you can’t fail, you can’t let go. And if you can’t let go, eventually your iron grip will loosen and you’ll fall right into the pit of criticism and implied failure you were avoiding all along.

Failure is an option. Scooch your way toward being humble enough to admit that. To yourself at least. Maybe in a whisper, really softly ‘it’s not the end of the world if you fail.’

All right, let’s wrap this up.

Look, you’re not doing the things or thinking the things or feeling the things that have you hovering perilously close to burnout because you’re trying to make yourself feel bad or you want to screw yourself over.

Neither was I.

We do the things we do because they make us feel better in the moment. Because they help us cope. Because they are habits we rely on. Because they help us stay oriented or are part of a self-image.

It’s not easy to stop doing things that make you feel better in the moment. Those things work for you, at least in the short term. They’ve probably worked for you for a long time.

It’s unfortunate that reality will intrude on our coping mechanisms and let us know what their limits are. You’re not close to burnout because you’re not good at things – you’re too good at things. But you have your limits.

Bottom line: when you’re about to hit burnout, you’ve just realized at a deep level that you cannot continue to meet expectations, internal or external, and something’s got to change.

You’ve got to stop meeting those expectations.

In short – you’ve got to get pretty fed up. With being a superstar.

Now – go forth and be a regular star and have a better life.

Tags: Overwork